Mama Zebra

I know I can find my inner zebra because I am certain that my mother must have had stripes. Dad was a worrier. Mom was not. I often remind myself that I have genes from both of them so there is no sense in worrying all the time. As long as I am methodical like my Mama, then I know I have done all I can do, so there is no sense in fretting about things. Life will happen, but it does not have to happen all over me.

In under two weeks, I will be having major surgery. It won't be the first time, but hopefully it will be the ultimate surgery for my "girl stuff." I remember back in 1992, there were some days leading up to yet another surgery for endometriosis that were quite focused. I was much younger then, and I tried to be very adult about the whole process. I was living alone and had to plan for the groceries and food and supplies I would need once I came home from the hospital. I knew from previous surgeries that I would be too tired to do much of anything, let alone cook. I would not be able to lift anything heavy. By the time my big event arrived, I had done what I needed to do. The house would be ready for my return. Of course, back then, I still had Mom around to take care of me and the first part of my recovery would be at my parents' home.

This time, I have my husband. His sister will also help out. I have been getting my holiday shopping done early. The tasks at the office are getting pulled together or passed over or delegated in anticipation of my lengthy absence. I am thinking about what I will be able to wear home from the hospital and while I'm recovering. Soon, I will shop for the food I think I will be able to tolerate. Everything is coming together. If it isn't ready, so be it. There is no sense in fretting. My surgery is in the hands of a skilled physician. My recovery is in the hands of my loving family. Mama Zebra is no longer around, but I know she makes up half of me. Worry is not an option on this peaceful plain.

This week, I am starting a menstrual cycle. Now, that may not be a topic of interest for many folks, but let me explain. As a target of endometriosis since my teens, I have the sense of menstrual cycles as bouts of personal terrorism. Menstruation causes havoc and pain for many endo suffers, not only during the periods but in the time between periods. For decades, I was on "the pill" continuously so I would not have regular periods and, theoretically, not suffer the consequences. That worked a lot, but obviously not enough in my life. Now, I face a hysterectomy in less than two weeks. Imagine my gradual awakening as I realized that this period will be my last. That is a very big deal for someone who has feared every cycle, wondering how much pain and how much torment might be in store.

Thinking about my last menstrual cycle made me think about the first one. I was twelve years old. I knew all about the physiology of menstruation, but theory and reality are never the same. When the moment actually hit me for the very first time, I was at home and hollered for my mother. I cried. I told her, "I don't want it." My mother just calmly listened to me, then looked me in the eye and said, "Well, honey, we can't send it back."

Of course, I had no idea that day that menstruation would torment me so in the decades to come. And here I am, thirty-plus years later. When I realized that this would be my last period ever, I almost started to shed a tear because my mother is not here to help me through this surgery and recovery. She also is not here for me to celebrate the end of this saga. Mom is not here to make me laugh. Or is she? I remembered that first time and what she said to me, and I smiled. "Yes, Mom. I can. I CAN send it back, and I am going to very soon!" I laughed out loud. I suspect she did too, wherever she is.

I have shed enough tears for my first menstrual cycle and so many of them afterwards in the pain that is endometriosis. I shed tears for our eventual decision not to try to have children because the likelihood of success was very slim. Enough tears for the things I could not control. Now, I will laugh and relax. I am making plans and preparing myself and the rest will fall into place. Yes, I can send it back.

There are no lions here today. I drink from the watering hole in peace. I am content.